Americana: Spiders vs. Me- Bathroom Battles and Facing Fear

Today I am writing about an experience I had this morning in the bathroom as I was preparing for work. I assume that your bathrooms are equipped like ours with nothing to kill a spider with other than toilet paper. We don’t have a fly swatter, shoes, sticks, etc. to face those mean little creepy crawly critters. The standoff with these little mean monsters began after I had entered the bathroom to get ready to shower. As I am getting ready to step into the shower, a mean looking spider about the size of a dime decides to walk across my foot. Once I realize what it is I panic and about fall over dead right there in the bathroom.

Sorry for the visual but I am in my birthday suit preparing to bath and in no way prepared to face down a spider attack. So I feel the little monster on my foot and kick as hard as I can, well that worked to get him off my foot, but didn’t work so well as my foot bounced off the toilet bowl (ouch). So now I am trying to be hold my tongue and not curse up a storm while trying to relocate the creepy little spider I just sent flying across the bathroom like a sling shot shooting a pebble. After I ask God to forgive me for saying some words I shouldn’t have to combat the toe pain from kicking the toilet and having the crap scared out of me by the surprise spider attack. I look around and finally locate the little spider crawling across the floor and man he is fast.

I grab an empty toilet paper roll (only weapon I could find) and sat it down on top of him thinking it would trap him. Well, you have probably already thought this through and yes creepy spider knows how to crawl and he comes right up the tube and onto my hand. I panic and sling him off my hand again, this time bouncing my hand against the door. Same scenario as before, I am trying to be a Christian spider killer and not say bad words while locating the little monster. I settle down and see him on the mirror crawling. So I grab the next available weapon a roll of toilet paper.

I roll a bunch off so I can grab that little spider and yes, once again he escapes my grip and lands on my hand where I sling him off again. This time I got lucky because he landed on the toilet seat. This gave me a chance to knock him in the water and flush, he is gone. I just hope he doesn’t find his way back through the pipes, my wife or daughters will have a fit if they see him in the toilet. So I am now just sitting on the toilet with the lid down trying to make sure my stints from a recent heart procedure don’t explode or get pushed out of where they are since my heart is racing ten thousand miles an hour.

Finally, I get settled down and as I attempt to get in the shower again, another one that looks just like that one comes scurrying out of the shower right at my feet. I jump up and that is hard for a big boy to do. I have about had enough of these darn things and thought about hollering for my wife to come kill it. But that wouldn’t be a very manly thing to do, since I am the appointed spider killer in our house. So I let her sleep and reached for the toilet paper again. Well this one is faster than the other and scurries over and under the cabinet. Again, I am stuck in the thought of “heck with this, I will just let them little monsters go free” as long as they stay away from me.

After careful thought, once again I am thinking the wife and daughters may not like that so I attempt to subdue little spider #2. I grab the deodorant spray and attempt to immobilize him with it and spray his little tail real good. It slowed him down so I once again go for the toilet paper roll and get a bunch wound off. As I again grab at him he decides to run and jump to avoid capture and the fate of his brother, sister, or whatever they were. So as he runs under the bathroom door, I grab my towel and throw it on him. This seemed like a good idea at the time and it worked. Yes, you have already thought it through that now I have got to find him on the towel.

I now have a dark brown towel with a brown spider somewhere on it. So I think about it and come up with a plan which was to put the towel over the toilet bowl and shake it until the little monster falls off. Well, my plan worked and he fell off because I was shaking the “you know what” out of that towel. I was done with these twin spiders and meant business. Hang with me, I am almost done telling the story. I shook the spider off, but unfortunately he didn’t fall in the toilet, instead he fell out and ran down the lower part of my leg.

So now my heart is about to explode and I am stressed, panicking and about to have a fit over this little bity spider. As he hit the ground running, I thought just quit and let that sucker live. Then I am once again thinking what if he crawls on my wife or me tomorrow? That wouldn’t be very good for me so I do what I don’t want to do and use my foot to squash him. Yes, my barefoot and it was gross and I just knew it was going to bite me and kill me or something. I got what remained of it wiped off my foot, cleaned up with some toilet paper and sent him down the hatch to meet his friend.

Moral of this story is that fear can overtake you and even the smallest things in life can cause you to doubt yourself and be afraid. I have told my family on more than one occasion “it is just a little spider” kill it when they hollered for my assistance. I ended up eating those words as I battled the spiders today in my birthday suit. After cleaning up and getting dressed I read in the bible about fear and came up with this thought. God tells us throughout the bible to fear not for he is with us. He is always there and will help us face the big and little challenges that we face. Trust in him, fear not and live life protected that he is walking with you. I hope you enjoyed the story and stay away from creepy crawly spiders is my best advice.

1- How do you face the little spider attacks in your life?

2- Do you always trust in God or do you just call on him when you face a spider attack?

Matthew 10:26 So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.

God Bless! KB


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